Episode #21 – Havoc At Hogwarts

Yet another dull day in Mechanopolis as the X-Force lounge about when…

Ben: Hey, I finally had my Pokemon transferred from the Pokemon dimension…

Rob: (!) Uh… you know there are no Pokemon Trainers in Mechanopolis don’t you…

Gary: Hey! Didn’t you say you’d bring along my Pokemon too?

(The rest of the X-Force clamor in agreement)

Ben: I say a lot of things…

???: Prepare for trouble

???: Make it double.

Jesse: Jesse

James: James

Jesse: To protect the world from devastation!

James: To unite all peoples within our nation!

Jesse: To denounce the evils of truth and love.

James: To extend our reach to the stars above!

Jesse: Team Rocket blasts off at the speed of light!

James: Surrender now or prepare to fight.

Meowth: Meowth! That’s Right!

X-Force: (Snore loudly)

James: Gah! How rude!

Meowth: This’ll teach ‘im… (Inflates a balloon and pops it with his claw)

X-Force: (!)

Ben: Hey! We were enjoying a nice nap!

Tobias: Yeah! I was having dreams of being on a beach with a bunch of naked chicks!

Alon: TMI* Newbie! TMI

(*Too Much Information)

Tobias: Don’t call me newbie!

Jesse: Ahem! He heard you have a cache of Pokemon.

James: And we insist that you donate your unwanted Pokemon to us…

Ben: Hah! You wish!

Meowth: Ya see, we know that your other-dimensional self was a high ranking member of the Azure league’s Elite Eight, until you retired early to take up Pokemon ranching. Now we know you don’t need those Pokemon. So give to us or else!

Ben: Or else what you chronic losers?

Jesse: We’ll take them from you…

Trevor: Hey didn’t you have another member? Torch Man?

Jesse: Him? Oh, we dumped that loser after we lost to Gauntlet and his friends *.

(Mecha Maniacs Series 2 – Issue #23)

Gary: Here I thought losers of a feather flocked together.

Jesse: The time for talking has long passed, Go Arbok!

Arbok: Char Bok!

James: Go Victreebel!

Victreebel: Bell!

Ben: Gary! Use your spore attack!

Gary: Hey! Do I look like a Pokemon?

Rob: Come to think of it…

Ben: Don’t make me lose my temper again…

Tobias: Oh no we don’t want that!

Gary: Okay, Okay! (Spores Arbok and Victreebel and paralyzes them)

James: Hey that Pokemon is powerful Jesse.

Jesse: Yes let’s steal it!

Gary: I’M NOT A POKEMON!

Rob: (Comes between the X-Force and Team Rocket) Hey! You’ve been trying to steal Pikachu how many times?

James: (Counts) Nearly 200 times!

Meowth: (Sigh) Where does the time go?

Rob: And each attempt you were outsmarted by a 10-year-old…

X-Force: (Burst into laughter)

Jesse: He’s right James! We’ve been wasting so much time and energy on one little Pikachu!

James: So many missed opportunities Jesse, I could’ve been a successful stockbroker like mummy and daddy wanted me to be.

Jesse: And I could’ve been runaway fashion model in Paris…

Meowth: And I could’ve been the spokes-cat for Meow-Mix.

Team Rocket: (Cries) We’ve wasted our lives!!!

Rob: Jeez! Stop wallowing in self-pity! It’s not too late, I’m betting your in your late-teens to early-20’s I bet you can still fulfill your dreams of happiness without repeating the same mistakes over and over.

Jesse: He’s right.

James: There’s always a window that opens when a door is closed…

Meowth: The world’s riches are ours for the taking…

Team Rocket: Team Rocket’s blasting off again… (Leave)

X-Force: …

Gary: That was creepy Rob you sound a lot like Andon.

Rob: I’ve watched every episode of Pokemon, I don’t want to go through the same loop every episode with Team Rocket. They weren’t that hard to outsmart.

(Andrew comes in with the mail)

Andrew: Bill… bill… bill… Publisher’s Clearing House, you may have won $10 000 000 000… bill… here’s one for you Ben, an invitation from Hogwarts…

Ben: Ah, from one fad to another… hmmm… To Ben we at Hogwarts School for Wizardry and Witchcraft extend an invition for you and the X-force… blah… blah… blah… Hey! Free room and board… and (drools)… children.

Tobias: Since when did Ben like children?

Alon: What planet have you been living on?

Rob: Yeah, Ben eats children… they’re his favorite meal…

Tobias: Really? That’s gross!

Trevor: Actually you get used to it.

Ben: That’s settled we’re going to Hogwarts…

And so… after crossing the Atlantic…

Andrew: How did you convince Shadow* to city-sit while we’re gone?

(* Shadow unofficially joined the X-Force in Ben’s Ol’ Switcheroo ep)

Ben: Simple, I’m giving him nude shots of Rouge the Bat when we return… So did everyone get what we need in Diagon Alley?

Alon: Yep, I have all the wizard porn I need for a semester…

X-Force: …

Rob: Did you even buy school supplies?

Alon: Who needs school supplies when you can see that sexy enchantress on the centerfold?

Rob: (Sighs)

(The X-Force walk up to the front gates with the rest first-years)

Andrew: I wonder how many potential wizards we have here?

Trevor: Actually some of them are drug addicts that are so stoned the are convinced they can perform magic. Enrollment has been so low in recent years they just picked muggle stoners off the street.

Tobias: Where did you get that juicy bit of info?

Trevor: The Wizards Almanac 2002BC to 2002AD

Andrew: Cool can I… (looks around) (?) Where’s Ben?

X-Force: Uh oh…

Draco: Harry Potter, some… (Ben grabs him by the shoulder and devours him)

Ben: URP! ‘Cuse me…

Harry: Hey who are you?

Ben: Magma Dragoon…

Ron: Bloody! My dad has heard what the muggles say about you!

Rob: Ben!

Ben: Rob?

Rob: What are you doing?!?

Ben: Getting an appetizer before dinner what?

Rob: We’re having a bit of trouble with Alon!

Ben: What? (Runs with Rob)

Harry: Should we follow them?

Ron: Yeah! I what to see this muggle creations in action!

(And so… Outside, Alon struggles to get inside)

Alon: (Grunts)

Ben: Hey! What’s the problem?

Trevor: (Grunts trying to push Alon in) It’s Alon… he can’t get his fat ass… (grunt) in…

Alon: Hey! I resent that!

Ben: Get out of my way! (Pulls Alon out of the doorway)

X-Force: Ben!

Ben: Hey! If Alon can’t fit inside he’ll have wait outside…

Tobias: Why doesn’t he transform into Infinity Mijinion?

Ben: That would be too easy, besides all he brought was wizard porn. Now he can enjoy it OUTSIDE! We’ll be late for dinner!

Ron: Bloody! That robot is the size of a whale!

Lee: Hey Gary!

Gary: Clown! What are you doing here?

Lee: I heard Alon’s outta commission so I came to take his place at Hogwarts… ready for some old fashioned prankin'?

Gary: You know I am!

(The Weasley Twins arrive)

Fred: Hey look it’s a fungus and a queer wizard…

George: Hogwarts standards have fallen so low…

Lee: Hey watch it you redheaded freaks! We are the ultimate pranksters!

Fred: Watch it git! We own this school so you better pack up if you intend to dethrone us as the prankster princes.

Gary: Is that a challenge?

George: No it’s a warning…

(Weasley Twins leave)

(The X-Force [Minus Alon] along with Harry and Ron to the main hall where they have begun the sorting)

(And so after Harry and Ron)

McGonagall: Magma Dragoon… (Puts the hat on Ben)

Sorting Hat: Hey! His horns are sharp! Ow… hmmm… I sense raw power and ability in this one… better be Slytherin! Now get me off before he rips the fabric!

(Gary)

Sorting Hat: He’s a Slytherin all right!

Gary: Boo yeah!

(Rob)

Sorting Hat: I sense courage, a heart of gold… better be Gryffindor

(Andrew)

Sorting Hat: Earnest, Intelligent… Gryffindor!

(Trevor)

Sorting Hat: Gryffindor!

(Tobias)

Sorting Hat: Slytherin!

McGonagall: Where’s Frost Walrus?

Tobias: Him? He could fit through the door so we left him outside…

McGonagall: What?

Lee: Hey what about me?

McGonagall: What about you?

Lee: I want to wear the Sorting Hat!

McGonagall: Who are you?

Lee: I’m Frost Walrus dammit!

McGonagall: Funny, you don’t strike me as a walrus but you’ll be in Slytherin…

Lee: What? No hat?!?

McGonagall: You can’t be too picky.

Lee: (Grumbles)

(Outside)

Alon: (Reading his porn) Who cares about the article… I’d like her to cast a spell on me… Hubba Hubba!

(And so begins the school year at Hogwarts… the next month in Potions class)

Snape: And so we have the cure for the common cold…

Ben: (Holds up hand) The cure for the common cold?

Snape: I am not joking Dragoon…

Ben: The muggles haven’t even cured it yet.

Snape: That I know.

Ben: Well, if you sold it to the pharmaceutical companies you could make a fortune with muggle money!

Rob: Ben what do this have to with Potions?

Hermione: Yes quit disrupting the class!

Snape: I’ve had enough of your disruptions Miss Granger… Five points from Gryffindor…

Hermione: But…

Snape: Fifteen points! Keeping going Dragoon…

Ben: Look where staying at Hogwarts has rewarded you. You want to have the Defense Against the Dark Arts professorship and they shortchanged you on every occasion. Even though it would be alien to you, you could have all the money and happiness that you want with the Muggle.

Snape: Nice suggestion Dragoon, I’ll consider that… fifteen… no twenty points to Slytherin…

(Ben and Gary high five each other while Rob and Andrew sigh)

(And so after class, Professor Snape calls Hermoine up to his desk)

Snape: Miss Granger, I’m concerned about your marks in potions…

Hermoine: Oh no, am I failing?

Snape: I’m afraid so my dear…

Hermione: This is unacceptable, I have to make it up, I must! Professor Snape… what can I do?

Snape: (Strokes her hair) Miss Granger… you are so full of unspoiled beauty… so innocent… I must have you!

Hermoine: No, I can’t…

Snape: Don’t you want to succeed? At any cost?

Hermoine: (Sigh) If I must…

(Ben opens the door)

Ben: Hey I forgot my text…

Snape: Dragoon, oh it’s all right… I was… helping Miss Granger with her homework.

Ben: Uh huh, see you tomorrow…

Snape: Yes…

(Ben enters the hall)

Gary: So what was happening in there?

Ben: Some freaky shit, when I left my text in there last Monday I saw Snape with a girl from Ravenclaw…

Gary: What makes me think that Snape has a lot in common with Gate? Tobias said he’d meet us for lunch…

(As Gary and Ben walk in the courtyard they find Alon with Hagrid)

Hagrid: Hey that’s a pretty one eh?

Alon: Whoa! Take a look at the size of those…

Ben and Gary: …

(Trevor walks by)

Trevor: No TV and no Nintendo make Trevor go crazy…

Ben: I swear both Tobias and Trevor are getting weirder and weirder everyday.

Gary: This whole place is creepy, did I tell you about the Weasely twins?

Ben: No.

Gary: They wanted to prove they were superior pranksters than I so they used a lightning charm. Every time I think of playing a prank I get shocked…

ZAP!

Gary: Ouchies.

Ben: I’m sure you’ll stick it to them somehow.

Lee: Hey Gary, tell them how we’re get even with the twins

Gary: Just wait until you see today’s Quidditch match heh heh heh…

Lee: But we’ll need your help

Ben: (Snickers) What can I do for you guys?

(Meanwhile in the Great Hall)

Ron: Hey what’s that Andrew’s playing with?

Harry: It’s called a laptop, muggles use it to surf the Internet…

Ron: Oh that explains it… what’s an Internet?

Harry: Nevermind…

Andrew: Heh heh, come to poppa…

Ron: Holy, take a look at the size of those “cauldrons” on her!

Andrew: If it weren’t for a satellite uplink and my laptop I would die…

Rob: Ooh, Swedish erotica…

Ron: Oh baby, let me have a look! It’s like I have too… (Ben grabs Ron and eats him whole)

Andrew: BEN! He was getting his first taste of online porn.

Ben: Oh sorry, if I knew that I would of let him see “Miss April” remember her…

Andrew: Oh yeah!

Rob: Humph!

Ben: Nice to see you too Mr. “High and Mighty” Gryffindor…

Rob: Wish I could say the same Mr. “Slimy” Slytherin.

Andrew: Really you guys you’ve been this way ever since the Sorting Hat divided you. We’re still the X-Force aren’t we. (By the way haven’t you noticed that Trevor and Tobias have been acting strangely in the last couple of days?)

Rob: I wish I could stay but Harry and I have Quidditch practice…

Harry: Oh… yeah, see you later, everyone…

Ben: Gary and I came to see Tobias… come along Gary, Lee. See you at the Quidditch match Andrew.

Andrew: Yeah

(Hermione comes in all messy)

Andrew: Hermione what happened to you?

Hermione: Oh nothing, did some extra studying with Professor Snape…(walks away)

Andrew: I swear this place gets weirder and weirder each passing moment…

(Hours later at the Quidditch stadium on school grounds, Gryffindor and Hufflepuff prepare for their first match of the season and the whole school well almost…)

Alon: Why can’t I see? I’ve barely been in this epilouge!

(Oh quiet, it’s not my fault you couldn’t fit in the building, anyway almost the entire school is out to see the game except Gary and Lee whom are planning a big prank on the student body of Hogwarts.)

Gary: Heh heh heh… my revenge is almost complete.

Ben: (On the communicator) You’re killing me with suspense Gary, what are you planning?

Gary: You know the Weasely twins are on the Gryffindor Quidditch team?

Ben: Yeah?

Gary: I used Andrew’s “mini-quantum explosives” and the micro sensory equipment on their broomsticks. If they decrease sharply in speed. They go KA BOOM!

Ben: Ah, touché.

(Andrew comes in)

Andrew: Hey, what’s up?

Ben: Big hunk of nothing did you see Alon loitering outside?

Andrew: Poor dude, Hagrid told me his porn supply is running low…. Did you see Trevor or Tobias anywhere?

Ben: Nope.

(Meanwhile, Tobias and Trevor roam the grounds until they bump into Hagrid)

Hagrid: Hey boys, aren’t you going to the Quidditch match?

Trevor and Tobias: No Nintendo and no TV make us go… something… something

Hagrid: Go crazy?

Trevor: Hey that’s not a bad idea isn’t it Newbie?

Tobias: Yes and don’t call me newbie…

Hagrid: Oh crikey…

(Back at the Stadium)

Ben: Ah, I’m sure they’re okay.

(The team players for Gryffindor and Hufflepuff come out)

Ben: Gary, Lee they’re coming out…

Gary:  Show time… (Brings out detonator)

Andrew: I wonder where McGonagall and Dumbledore went…

Ben: (?)

Andrew: They’re not in their seats…

Ben: That’s odd… the game’s starting!

(And so the dazzling gameplay as Rob scores goals for Gryffindor, the Weasely Twins keeping the blugers at bay… so Gary holds the activation for the bombs.)

Gary: Heh heh heh, this’ll show you who’s the ultimate prankster… (Pressed the button)

(When the twins start to turn…)

KA BOOM!

Jordan: And it looks like sabotage on the Gyrffindor side, wait… Rob looks like he’s seen who done it… I can barely make it out, he’s staring at Magma Dragoon!

Ben: Hey why is he looking at me like that?

Andrew: Did you have to do something with that explosion?

Ben: That was…

Rob: RARGH! SABOTEUR!

(Ben and Rob start fighting)

(Meanwhile)

Lee: Ssssssh… we shouldn’t let Flich know we’re here… did you bring the supplies?

Gary: (Holds up bag) Right here.

(Gary and Lee tip toe into “Fluffy’s Lair”)

Gary: This should keep him sleeping… (Takes out the stereo and puts on Kenny G) Okay we have 75 minutes to give this pooch a new makeover…

Lee: Scissors up…(Holds his up)

Gary: (Brings out the curling iron)

(Back at the Quidditch stadium)

Crabbe: Hey! They never said anything about a fight…

Ben: Dragon Kick! (Throws Rob into a wall) I DIDN’T DO IT! IT WAS GARY!

Rob: (Slash Ben) RIP CLAW! Oh yeah, you always blame the fungus and I suppose that you weren’t responsible for the dead owls in my bed…

Ben: Hey! (Blasts Rob with his Hyper Phoenix Attack!) Ever since you gotten into Gryffindor you have been acting like a snob!

Rob: And you’ve been acting even more out of control since you got into Slytherin!

Andrew: (Descends from the bleachers) Stop it you two!

Alon: (Smashes in) Hey Ben, we need to talk!

(Dumbledore and McGonagall run from under the bleachers with their clothes barely on)

Dumbledore: What’s going on here?!?

(Meanwhile in Fluffy’s lair, Lee and Gary are half finished when suddenly the Kenny G stops…)

Flich: Ah ha you brats! I’ve finally got you where I want ya’

Gary and Lee: !

Gary: Oh shit…

Fluffy: (Starts to growl)

Lee: (!) Hey I got an idea! (Grabs Gary with his legs and uses his extended arms to jump onto Fluffy)

Gary: Hey great idea… you better run Flich…

Flich: Daft buggers…

Lee: Yee Ha! (Slaps Fluffy’s butt) Ride em!

(And so Gary and Lee mounted on a souped-up Fluffy chase Flich through the halls and out the door…)

Hagrid: (Sees Flich) Hey Flich I thought you were busy… (sees Fluffy) RUNNING FOR YOUR LIFE (Runs)

(Quidditch Stadium)

Dumbledore: I thought I would never see Slytherin…

Harry: Hey I caught the Golden Snitch!

Dumbledore: Shut up! I thought I would never see Slytherin resort to sabotage… all points from Slytherin have been taken! Gryffindor…

Ben: This couldn’t get any…

Hagrid and Flich: ARGH! (Run)

(Gary and Lee come in on Fluffy)

Gary: Oh high Ben, I hope you’re not too mad…

Ben:… Worse…

(Trevor and Tobias come in)

Trevor: I am the Lizard King!

Tobias: And I’m the Lizard Queen…

Ben: (Sigh)(Jumps and knocks Trevor’s and Tobias’ heads together KO-ing both of them)

Rob: Ha! Again I say ha!

Dumbledore: And Gryffindor, Rob you brought shame to your house, indeed all of you are an embarrassment to Hogwarts except you (points to Alon) who are you?

Alon: I’m Frost Walrus! See the tusks?

Dumbledore: (Points to Lee) I thought you were…

McGonagall: (Stabs Dumbledore)

Dumbledore: Frost Walrus… (Dies)

McGonagall: That old coot should’ve learned when to shut up. Ah, X-Force how nice of you to come to Hogwarts you are wondering why Dumbledore’s sex mate killed him in the end… I am not Professor McGonagall but…

(McGonagall transforms into Double)

Double: But you’re worst enemy Double!

Harry: Blimey!

Ben: Hey Double long time no see…

Double: Silence… like all good villains I will reveal my intricate plot….

Rob: Actually we don’t care to listen, we don’t even want to know why you were having sex with an old man. Dude haven’t you ever seen Big Daddy?

Andrew: (Shudders) Old balls…

Gary: Yech!

Snape: I will beat back this evil Boggart! (Waves his wand)

(Nothing happens)

X-Force: …

Double: That was suppose to hurt me?

Snape: I don’t get it I… (Double slices him to pieces )

Double: Who’s next?

Alon: Maybe some other time…

Double: What?!? After a build up like this you aren’t going to fight me?

Ben: Nope, this thing came completely out of left field and we’re still stunned by the fact in orchestrated this whole calamity.

Rob: Plus we slaughtered this franchise enough already…

Lee: Yeah, but it is still amazing how you planned all of this… killing the original McGonagall, having sex with the headmaster to get the X-Force here so you could kill them but be defeated in a five-page battle royale with then that would lay Hogwarts to waste… if only I thought of that.

Double: (…) How did you know that?

Gary: Ben had to trim this epilogue from 21 pages to a mere 15…

Andrew: That and you’re not worth the effort defeating if you are going to come back to menace us again. So see you around once you drop your cliched arch-villain personality…

(The X-Force leave)

Double: NOOOOOOO! All that planning, all that horrible old man sex… all for my worst enemies walking out and scoffing at me…

Harry: Aw come of it… Dumbledore never even asked me for my real name.

Double: Aren’t you Harry Potter?

Harry: Oh no, I’m Harry Pothead from 4 Rivet Drive, my mum and dad are hash addicts thus my nickname…

Double: (Slices off his head and smirks) At least there’s always tomorrow next time X-Force, I’ll be ready for you…

(And so end our… wait a minute we can’t leave here. Our heroes still have to reflect on their recent adventure. So at the McDonalds nearby…)

Ben: I’m hungry, we might as well get something to eat before we head back home…

Alon: Yeah, I’m starving…

Andrew: I’ll have the…

X-Force: (!)

Jesse: Welcome to McDonalds… Prepare for trouble!

James: Make it double.

Jesse: Jesse…

James: James…

Jesse: To protect the world from impending starvation…

James: To serve burgers and fries on every occasion…

Jesse: To denounce the… actually I couldn't think of anything. Continue…

James: To extend our service to the stars above!

Jesse: Team McDonalds prepares meals at the speed of light…

James: Surrender now to your appetite…

Meowth: Meowth! Ya’ want fries with that?

X-Force: (!)

Ben: Wow that was good, except for the “To denounce the evils of” bit…

Tobias: Hey if you were convinced that you were wasting your lives… why are you at McDonalds?

Jesse: Well even Bill Gates had to start somewhere.

James: At least we don’t make embarrassments of ourselves anymore. We’re all headed towards a big promotion and we have big job interviews tomorrow.

Jesse: We’d just like to thank you for putting our lives back in order.

Meowth: Yeah! We owe you one… So what will you have today?

(And so…)

Ben: (Munch) so how was today’s adventures?

Trevor: well, we started out strong in the beginning… but ultimately whimpered out in the end.

Alon: Yeah, (Crunch) Double being behind this lame plot after a long movie that could attract my attention for three hours? Dude we need some direction in these epilouges…

Gary: No offense Ben, but you could’ve done better…

Meowth: Hey Ben here’s the… (Ben ignorantly grabs Meowth and eats him) Ahhhhhhh…

Ben: Yeah, you and the Sinister Six are headed in that direction, Gauntlet’s been doing this for his cross-omniversal tour… I need to… (Glub) It seems my Big Mac isn’t agreeing with me. Andrew pass the Pepto-Bismol…

Andrew: Here…

Ben: (Glub!) Anyway I think we need some plot twist…

(Ben’s cellphone rings, caller ID says it’s Shadow)

Rob: Uh… Ben your phone?

Ben: Can’t talk… (Munch!) eating…

Rob: (Picks it up) Hello Shadow… um, he’s eating can I take a message?… uh huh… What? He has one…

X-Force: (!)

Rob: Yeah I’ll tell him right away… bye (Hangs up) Ben?

Ben: (Slurps on his drink) Yeah?

Rob: It’s Shadow… he says someone claiming to be your son has been dumped in Mechanopolis…

Ben: Uh huh… (!)(Spits out everything including Meowth) WHAT?!?

Meowth: Ugh… you won’t believe how much thing costs…

Ben: My Son?!?

Trevor: Ben’s a… DAD?

(Ah so someone should be careful of what he wishes for, who is this reploid claiming to be his son… Stay tuned for the next episode of New X-Force!)
 


TO BE CONTINUED